I Can't Stop Thinking About It

I can't stop thinking about it. Well, I can. For a while. Like when Buffy and I are out patrolling, or Giles is talking about demons. But in history class, forget it. The collapse of the Russian Empire can go hang. I'll just stare at Cordy's crossed legs and remember what happened and boom, that's all I'm going to think about.

I still can't come to grips with myself over it. In some ways I can't believe I did it. I was just so mad at her. Over nothing, really. It was like I just couldn't let her push me one more time. When she made her crack about me not being able to handle it, I just blew. I threw her on the bed and tied her wrists together. And the next I know, I'm spanking her just like a bratty little kid.

It was when she relaxed and stopped fighting me that I realized how turned on I was. I felt powerful, controlling, in a way that I hadn't felt since the whole hyena thing. It was scary, but an incredible kind of a high too. I was going to quit, just stop and tell her I was sorry, that I didn't want to hurt her. Then I touched her, and found out she was as turned on as I was.

I kept it going, I admit that. Maybe, I just wanted to see how far I could go. The more she gave, it was like, the more she trusted me. I know that sounds funky, but that's how it felt. It was the most amazing thing that had ever happened.

I just canít get it off my mind. Iíll keep remembering, how it was. How she just let go, gave in, and was at my mercy. How she responded. How she begged for me. How wonderful the sex was. Not to say that our sex wasnít wonderful already, itís been fantastic. But this was indescribable.

She was even contrite afterwards. She was so soft and sweet to me. Of course she really is good to me when weíre alone. If weíre not fighting that is. I have to admit; sometimes I donít know what to do when weíre not fighting. Maybe I depend too much on those sparks. When weíre fighting, we really close out everyone else and just focus on each other. Nobody comes between us then. Well, except us, that is.

Iím to blame for that as much as she is. I have to be honest about it. I do push my closeness with Willow and Buffy at her a lot. I canít help but love Willow; sheís been my best friend forever. Buffy is, well Buffy. How can anyone not want to be with her? I just never thought it could happen. Cordy and me, I mean. She was always the unobtainable thing. I never stood a chance with her, and I really resented it. For years, it rubbed me the wrong way, and so I let everything about her rub me the wrong way, too. Then, she changed on me. Turned around and thanked us for helping her, saving her. Thinking I did something heroic. Helping us out, fighting the good fight. Then, she kissed me. She wanted me. Sheís moving too fast, Iím having trouble keeping up sometimes.

Cordelia really does trust me. I knew that after we started making out secretly. Most girls wouldnít trust a guy not to talk about it, especially if they were doing it with someone like her. She knew I wouldnít talk to anyone, even though I wanted to. And after we were well, official, that was it. No matter how much Cordy talks about dating the Ďlame guyí she doesnít hold back. She doesnít go out with anyone else, or give any other guys more than a passing glance. Sheís really been faithful to me. Itís kinda scary, but a good kind.

Sheís always surprising me. The first time she, Uh, made me come...wasnít what I expected. We were in her car, making out to beat the band (beat the band? Did you ever wonder what you beat the band with? Or why would want to beat the band? Xand, youíre losing it) and I reached under her T-shirt and stroked her breasts. I got my hand into her bra and held one. It was so soft and warm, and her nipple was hard against my palm. God, it felt so good. She was running her hands over my face and neck, kissing me like crazy. Then she reached down and put her hand on my dick. Sheíd touched me through my pants before, gripping me and rubbing. It was terrific. I never even had to ask her, she just did it. I moved my other hand to under her shirt and she stopped me. "This shirt is just going to get stretched all out of shape." I thought she was calling it quits but she looked around, smiled, and took her shirt off. Her breasts were swelling up in her bra, all curvy. She met my eyes and I could tell she was nervous. I wanted to ask her if she was okay, but before I could form the words, she unhooked her bra.

"Take it off me, Xander." She whispered.

I reached over and slid the straps off her shoulders and pulled the cups free. I moved it down her arms. She looked so white in the moonlight. Cordeliaís breasts are impressive. Not just because theyíre a little, well, big. Itís not just that, though, itís true, they are. Big, I mean. Bigger than most. Not huge, Iím not saying that. Theyíre just nice and full and soft and everything you really want breasts to look like. Like all the breasts of all the women in those old paintings that you get to see at the museum. I leaned over and kissed her and we did dueling tongues. I kissed her neck and massaged her breasts. I was good, no hickeys off this guy! Iíve over-heard enough complaints about that. I moved down and kissed her between them, mostly to just see what sheíd do. She gasped a little, and put her arms around me. I took this as a good sign and started kissing and nibbling. She made nice heavy breathing noises. I moved toward her nipple. Thatís when I found out girlís nipples arenít perfectly round. At least herís arenít. Theyíre a little more oval and dark pink. The nipple was hard and pointed at me. I kissed it. It tasted sweet like the rest of her skin. I kissed it some more, and nibbled a little. She made little mousy noises. I sucked. She groaned and held my head. I was getting so hard.

Cordy touched me again, rubbing me. Finally, I had to pull back or I was going to seriously embarrass myself. She looked at me, like she was afraid sheíd done something wrong.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Oh yeah. Iím actually a bit too okay right now." I was breathing heavy. "Iím just getting a bit too excited here."

"Xander...Can I...Can I see you?" She reached down and touched me again. I gasped out. "I want to see your...Uh, I want to see."

She wanted to see my dick. I canít tell you what that does to a guyís ego. God, she made me hard. I was a bit nervous, lemme say this. I mean, what if she asked all her boyfriends? What if they all had been bigger than me? Was she doing a comparison?

Cordy leaned over and nipped my earlobe. "Please, Xander," she whispered. "Show me your cock?"

That was it, which was all she wrote, she had me at her mercy. It would take a stronger man than me to deny a dirty talking Cordelia. My hands flew to my belt and I undid my pants. I was really straining against my briefs there. I pushed my underwear out of the way and pulled myself free. Her hand gently covered mine. I moved my hand away and let her touch me. I groaned. It felt so good.

"Youíre beautiful," she whispered.

"Not as beautiful as you." I told her.

She was rubbing me good then, so perfectly. I reached out and put a hand on her wrist. "We better stop."

"Why? Am I not doing it right? You can show me..."

"No, Cordy, thatís not it. Youíre doing fine. Just great as a matter of fact. Itís just a little too much and I wonít be able to stop, if we donít." God, I sounded like a moron. But how the hell do you say, ĎQuit it, or Iím going to go off like a rocket and it might not be pretty?í

Her eyes were bright in the darkness. "Are you that turned on? Could I make you come?"

I kissed her, and I kissed her again. "Yeah, Iím that turned on. You turn me on that much. I could come all over us, if weíre not careful." She shivered in my arms and licked my ear.

"I want you to. I want to make you come."

"Cordy?" I couldnít believe what I was hearing.

"Let me. Let me do this for you." She whispered her voice husky. "Iíve got a towel, it wonít be that messy, will it? Please, Xander, I want to."

She pulled the towel out of her workout bag in the back seat and wrapped around my lap to protect clothes. I finally asked her if she had any hand lotion or anything. She looked at me with a strange look. I had to explain that it felt better when you use something like that. It made it last a little longer. She smiled and found something.

"Wait a sec, that doesnít smell too, uh, girly, does it?" I had to ask. I didnít want fall out questions from my mom later. I could just hear it. ĎXander why are your pants smelling like Eternity?í Of course, I could wash them in the middle of the night, but that would lead to a different inquisition. She grinned and let me smell. No, it didnít, sigh of relief. She put some in her hand and started rubbing me again.

Like I told her, she was doing just great. Her hand felt so different from mine. She was turning me on so much and all I had to was lean slightly and I could touch my face to her naked breasts. It didnít take long and I was gasping out her name. She whispered to me, encouraging me, saying how much she loved seeing me this excited. The inevitable finally happened. I came and came hard, shooting all over the towel and her hand.

She didnít ask for anything back. I would have done anything for her right then. She just smiled and kissed me. Of course thatís when we realized what time it was, and then we couldnít do anything else.

I never would have thought she would have done something that unselfish. She does though, a lot more than anybody imagines. Unfortunately, itís mostly when nobody is looking.

We were the first for each other. It took us a while to reach that point cause neither one of us wanted to have our first time to be in a car. She taught me how to rub her until she came. God, she was so beautiful the first time I made her come. She looked so open, so flushed. It was incredible. Unlike a lot of the kids I know, well actually, the guys Iíve eavesdropped on, we actually had oral sex before going for the big prize. Thatís mostly cause you canít get pregnant from it and itís easier to do in a car. Neither of us knew what to expect when she sucked me off the first time. She swallowed my come, and didnít choke. She made a face though, so I suppose I could have tasted better. She told me it wasnít so much the taste, which was really salty, but mostly it took her off guard. The semen was hot and hit the back of her throat. She did want to do it again, though. I couldnít even begin to describe how wonderful her mouth felt, all warm and wet around me. Her hair was so soft on my thighs.

Cordelia tasted terrific to me. She was sweet and succulent (points for vocabulary boy!) and wet and just glorious. I made her thrash around in the back seat until I was sure weíd smash out one of the window. The second time I did it to her, I put fingers inside her vagina. That was amazing, soft and wet, gripping me. How would I ever be able to have sex with her? This feeling around my cock would make me lose it big time, I was sure of it.

The first time was at my house. In my bed. My Mom went to see her sister for the weekend. I was on my own. Cordelia and I talked about it, wondering if it was time. I mean, we arenít always sure weíre going to last, now are we? I was terrified, really shaking, but I took her hand and told her I was ready for it if she was. She looked up at me and said she wanted it to be me. She never wanted anyone else like she did me.

We were both shaking while we undressed. I pulled her into my arms and we lay down. Once we started kissing, it was okay. We were hungry for each other, like we always are. I pulled her on top of me. Iíd read somewhere that it was easier for girls the first time if theyíre on top. Plus, I really liked looking at her body. I was right though; it took every bit of self-control I had not to lose it when I first slid inside her. God, I canít describe it. It was everything; it reached inside me and tore me up. It was the most beautiful sensation I ever knew of. She took me slowly, having to get used to me. I didnít feel anything tear or pop or anything like Iíd read about. Just her, wet, velvety her, opening slowly for me. After several minutes, I was all the way inside of her. She sat on me gasping. I asked if I was hurting her and she shook her head. Her skin felt flushed and she was shivering. She looked me in the eyes and I couldnít look away, I could barely breath. It was like we were joined together even more than we were. Then we started to move, and there wasnít anything else in reality for me. Just me, her and what was happening. She came first, and I was overjoyed. She tightened around me while she did, and I couldnít take anymore and I came, too.

After kissing a lot, we both sat up to see if sheíd bled. She hadnít. We figured she must have lost her hymen being so athletic, or in a doctorís examination or something. You see, she has this condition called endometriosis. She tried to explain it to me. These tissues grow on the outside of her uterus. Her gyn put her on the Pill when she was fifteen when she found out she had it. The hormones make the tissues shrink so they wonít hurt her. So she might have lost her hymen while being checked for that. We didnít complain.

So we were going on pretty normally. That is until now.

Now, Iím not an idiot, reputation aside. I know there couples who do kinky things. But that wasnít what Iíd planned when this happened! Honest! I never thought that would be us! Sure people do that sort of thing. The magazines canít be making it all up! But us? At seventeen?

Weíd been together since it happened. Weíd even made love. At least 4 times in the past few weeks. And it was still terrific. So why would I even want something like that again?

I know why. I want her to look up at me like that again. Like sheíd do anything for me. I wanted to hear her offer herself to me again. I wanted to feel how hot her skin was as I thrust into her. I wanted to feel that rush of power, of control. Just thinking about it made me hard. So, I think about it, remember it. Think of doing more.

The image of her tied down to my bed. Her arms and legs stretch out. Sheís open and exposed to me. She canít hide anything. I could do anything to her. Thatís what she wants, for me to do anything...

I canít keep going like this. Weíve got to talk about it.

I put a note in her locker today, asking her to call me after I got done patrolling with Buffy. She sent back an okay.

I picked up the phone on the first ring. Didnít want any chance of waking my mom, no, that would be bad.

"Hello?"

"Xander, itís me."

"Hey, babe. How was your night?"

"Not bad. Willow and I did some studying and watched a movie."

"Which one? Anything Iíd go for?"

"Sabrina. Itís romantic. And itís got Harrison Ford looking extra manly."

"Gag. Chick flick!" I made a repulsed noise. "Jesus what is it with you girls and Harrison Ford. Heís like ten million years older than you."

"Fuck you, Xander." I could hear the smile there.

"Tell me."

"What can I say? After Willow found that naked photo of Leonardo DiCaprio, the thrill with him was gone." She giggled.

"Not much?" I needled.

"Letís just say itís good that his face is pretty." She giggled again, and then whispered. "Youíre bigger."

"Really?" Iím human; Iíll take the cheap ego-boost.

"Much."

"Uh, you didnít tell Willow that did you?"

"Are you nuts? That is so not for sharing. How was patrolling? Any heroics?" she asked.

"Nope. Nobody wanted to play tonight. Did a few hours of name that flick, thatís about it."

"I worry about you, you know." She said, her voice soft.

"Really?" I was thrilled. "Itís okay. I just donít feel good about Buff going solo with Angel on the bad guys team."

"I know. Now what did you want to talk about?" She asked.

"Uh...this is kinda tough. I wanted to talk about what happened."

"What happened?" She sounded confused. Thatís my girlfriend, no long-term memory. Then she lowered her voice. "You mean, our fight and all that?"

"Not so much the fight as the all that. I think we need to talk about it." My heart was going a mile a minute. She didnít say anything, so I pushed on. "I canít stop thinking about it. It was incredible. I know you probably think Iím a total pervert, but all I have to do is remember it and I get turned on all over again."

"Xander..." she started.

"I know this might be too much for you, but..." I was yammering.

"Xander, shut up, dammit!" She snapped.

I shut up.

"I just want to tell you, I think you should know, uh..." she was quiet for a second that lasted for eternity. "I feel the same way. I canít stop thinking about it either. So if youíre a pervert, I guess that makes me one too."

"Cordy..."

"Iíve got some books that Iíve never shown anyone and stuff like that happens in them. Theyíve made me really hot. And then when you...when you spanked me...I...I loved it, Xander. Iíve never been so turned on in my life." I could barely hear her, but each word echoed for me. "I know thatís not saying too much since youíre my first, but..."

"Oh, Cordy. I understand, I really do." I swallowed. "Have you thought of us, well, us doing it again?"

"Yes." She spoke slowly, nervously. "Yes."

"Does it turn you on?"

"Oh, yes. Umm humm." She whispered. "So much. I thought about it in the shower this morning and I had to...you know. Before I could go to school."

Really? Oh wow!!!

"Tell me," I begged. "Tell me about it."

She gave a little squeak. Then there was a momentís pause. "Will you tell me yours?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." She took a deep breath. "Weíre at my house. In my motherís sitting room?"

"I remember it." Her motherís sitting room is separate from the living room, where the family hangs out. The sitting room is white and impeccable and where her mother does her meetings and teas and all that kind of stuff. Itís white and crystal with these tall windows that look over the back yard that isnít called a yard but a garden. Itís really beautiful will all these flowers and stuff. It has glass tables and a white leather couch with matching chairs. The windows are covered with something so you canít see in, only out, and so the curtains are this light white fabric that doesnít block anything. Thereís a white little grand piano with a lace runner over it and photographs of her mother with important people on top of it. There are pictures on the wall, mostly framed ones by Georgia OíKeefe (I asked, okay?) of flowers and bullís skulls and stuff like that. Itís really beautiful and really cold and you just donít feel safe touching anything. Itís like a museum you can sit in.

Cordelia wonít say that she hates it, but I know she does. Thereís nothing in it that shows her family in it, like her mother has cut them all off from that part of herself.

"Weíre in there, and nobody is home. You sit on the couch and you tell me that you need to punish me again." She gets the words out slowly.

I felt hot. "What for? Your mouth again?"

She giggled. "Probably. I donít know, I hadnít thought that part out yet. Maybe you just felt like it?"

I took off my shirt, moving the phone around. It was getting way to hot in here! "Anyway, what happened next?"

"You tell me to take my panties off. I try to talk you out of it. I donít want you to do it here, try to get you to go up to my room, but you arenít listening to me. Finally, I just do it. Then you tell me to take off my dress and bra. You tell me that I must just like making things more difficult for myself." She gives a little hitchy breath. "so I do it. You pull me on your lap, but you sit me on top of you. And you pinch my nipples really hard. I gasp out."

Way too hot in here. God, her voice sounded so sexy. I was getting hard. "Then what?"

"You do that five times. For not listening to you. And then you tell me youíre still going to spank me. You ask me if Iíll be good, or will you have to tie my hands like you did the first time."

"Do I?"

"No. Iíll be good this time, I promise."

"Cordy?" I took my pants off. I canít stay dressed for this. Then I have a brain flash. "What are you wearing?"

"My nightgown. What do you think, Xander. itís one in the morning." She was right, it was a pretty dumb question.

"Take off your panties."

"What?" Like she hadnít heard me right.

"Take off your panties and touch yourself. Are you wet? Is telling me this making you wet?" I asked her, while I took off my own briefs. My cock sprang, happy to be free.

I heard cloth rustling while she did as I asked. Then she whispered. "Yes."

"Okay. I want you to tell me more, but while you do it, I want you to touch yourself with one finger, okay? Will you do that?"

"Will you?"

"Will I what?"

"Be touching yourself?" she clarified.

"Yeah. You wouldnít believe the hard on Iíve got."

"Yes, I would." She smirked. "Oh, that feels good."

"Go on, Cordy. What happens next?"

"You, uh, pull me down across your lap and you start spanking me."

"Hard?"

"Not at first. You start off slow and then gain speed. You start slapping me harder and harder. The noises of your spanks seem so loud in here." Her breath sounded faster. She gave a little moan.

I close my eyes. "I can just see you, your ass getting pink. You have a beautiful ass, Cordy. I can feel it getting hot."

She moaned, it was a wonderful sound to hear. "Youíre getting rougher. I start to cry. I promise to do better, to be good."

"Iíll tell you to spread your legs. Iíll see if youíre wet. Are you?"

"Yes. Yes, I am." She gasped out.

"I start spanking your thighs, too."

"Oh, oh! No, not there! Please!" She protests.

"Be good, or Iíll use my belt. I mean it." I tell her. She moaned again. I start rubbing myself. God this was fantastic.

"Youíre nice and pink all over, baby. My hand is all hot because of you."

"Oh, God," she groaned. "You start on my bottom again, and it stings so much! My hand goes back, I canít help it, please, Iím sorry."

"Cordy?" I whisper.

"Yes?"

"Use two fingers now."

"Oh, thank you. Oh, oh..."

"I push you off my lap and shove you over the back so your knees are on the seat and your butt sticks out. Iím taking off my belt. I warned you, Cordy."

She made an inarticulate sound.

"You want this donít you?"

"Yes." She whispers. "Yes, I want it."

"Iíll give you five with the belt. Just so youíll remember next time."

"I cry out when you whip me. By the fifth time, I scream out your name. Tears are running down my face. Iím really a mess."

"I donít think youíre a mess. I think youíre beautiful, but your pussy is all swollen and hot. All ready for me. Arenít you?"

"Yes, Xander. Oh yes. But you donít want me yet. You push me to the floor and grab my hair. You bring my face to your crotch. I open your pants and take you. You tell me to suck your cock."

God, this was so hot. Wilder than any of my dreams. I could almost feel her mouth on me.

"I suck on it. Iím so amazed that this turns you on too."

"I want you to stop."

"What?"

"I want you to go to your room. Get some scarves out of your dresser and kneel on the bed and wait for me." I was thinking on my feet here, God I hoped I didnít sound too dorky.

"I get up, pick up my clothes and go." She whispered. Then she moaned again. The sound went straight through me, right to my cock. I moaned, too. Sheís so sexy.

"I follow you. Have you done it?"

"Yes."

"Lay down. On your back."

She whimpers.

"I know it stings, sweetheart. But Iím going to make you feel good now." I whisper. "I tie your wrists and ankles to the bed posts with the scarves. Youíre spread out all wide to me. I slip a pillow under your ass so youíre up a little and itís softer. Better?"

"Yes. Oh." She gives another noise, one of her heading to orgasm sounds.

"I take another scarf and cover your eyes."

"No! Oh, no! Xander!" She was making short breath, thrashing sounds.

"Itís alright. You trust me. Itíll be okay."

"Oh, oh, oh!"

"I lick your breasts and down your body. I get up and take off my clothes. I kneel between your legs. Youíre so beautiful, all wet and open to me. Iím the only one whoís seen you like this."

"Yes, only you."

"I stick my tongue in you."

She made a squealing sound.

"I go down on you wild. Really eat you out. You canít touch me, just feel what Iím doing to you."

God, I was close to coming myself.

"Come on me, love. Come all over my face. Come on me, and Iíll sink into you. Sink into you and thrust and thrust until I...until I..."

She whispered my name over and over and over like sheíd never stop. I couldnít hold back after that. Not another second. I gasped out and my breath shattered and I came hard.

For a few minutes we couldnít speak.

"Yep. Weíre both perverts." I gasped out.

She giggled.

"I love you, Cordy." I meant it. Really.

"I love you, too. Xander." She meant it, too.